Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
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