There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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