I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
