i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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