I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i just wanna soil my oats bro
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
