FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
