My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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