i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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