she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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