capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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