i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
