did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
