eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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