I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
