remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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