I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
