I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
