Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
