My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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