after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
