I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
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