Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
