Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
