Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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