How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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