That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
