I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
