I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Houston, we have a squirter
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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