dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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