The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
