My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Are we still banned from the library?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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