Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
