Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
