He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
