someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
