dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
