You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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