I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
