Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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