I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
