There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
