Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
someone owes me an orgasm
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
