I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
