A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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