12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
