Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Maybe he injected his testicle?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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