saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
