I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
