I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
