Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
